Going Within: On Doubt
I integrated an inner child aspect today who felt ‘powerless to the control of others’. She sat in front of me at 8 years old. We held hands as I listened to her. I told her how sorry I am she felt this way. I stroked her hair. We put our hand on one another’s heart to reconnect. I remembered that I am her and she is me. After much emotion, I said, ‘it is time’ and she re-joined my present consciousness. The integration occurred in the solar plexus chakra area. The ‘seat of power’.
I think that this had a lot to do with worrying about what others think. I did this because I was experiencing intense waves of self-doubt today. When I sat with the feeling I thought it might swallow me whole. I felt a lump in my throat, sick to my stomach and like my skin was fused with static electricity. A single tear almost escaped my eye. I made a kind of whimpering noise as I let the feeling engulf me. The resistance level is astounding. The power of resistance is astounding… That is what that ‘static’ feeling is. One can liken it to the feeling of when one is really anxious and hyper-aroused.
I feel really subdued now. My skin feels more like water or mud now. I feel kind of floaty and vaguely sleepy.
I have things to do. But I feel I would rather float in the colours I see now.
As I looked up just now, I inadvertently glanced in the mirror. I note that I am ‘more me’. I see that inner child in my eyes now. She is radiating through my skin too. She is radiant at the idea of being accepted as for so long she has been ignored or silenced with my various suppression tactics. It is like I have been her gatekeeper, or rather, her prison guard, keeping her locked in behind my adult eyes and ignoring the fact that the windows to the prison are see-through…she is plainly there. But it is not strength, nor is it admirable to say you have the strength to ignore a child.
As adults we have suppressed our inner children by throwing cookies and toys through the gatekeeper’s hole. We have slid trays of colourful meals and candies across the floor at them in order to appease them (like they need appeasement – we treat them like they our enemy), keep them quiet. Anything to silence the inner pain we so desperately want to keep hidden. Personally, my candies have come in the form of grand lies and through achieving mastery in the art of distraction.
What are you throwing at your inner child to keep her ‘safe’?
‘Safe’, because we think we are protecting them when we distract ourselves from our feelings. We think we are the honourable saviour by protecting them from ever feeling their true pain. But we’re not, really. We’re trying to protect ourselves. And of course, we also have no idea that the inner child is strong. The inner child is resilient. She could escape through the trap door in the prison. She could leave, disappear and leave us with the hole we think we’d prefer. But she doesn’t. She stays. The reason she does this is because of her strength in belief, strength of faith, that you will come and open the door and that when you do you will both survive the inner turmoil that you think you need to protect her and yourself from.
We have been told such perfect lies about our inner children – that they should be ignored and that this is the best way to go about things for the sake of our sanity. But this is not the case. Inner children left ignored come up in the form of what we call disease (dis-ease! dis-harmony of the self!) and disorder. They come up in reaction, in rebellion, to the limitations that stem from fear that you have placed on them.
Our inner children ask that we keep them safe…by setting them free.
Attend to the form of your being that is lacking the totality of your awareness and you will begin to know the truest freedom you could ever seek.