Healing: Presence and Unicorns
Yesterday I went to the beach to experience the cool energy, the water (the sight, not the touch. Oh, the cold chills of salt ice, of Winter ocean… I miss Summer), the Earth who expresses herself as sand there, the expansive sky that stretches like a never ending canvas above my head, the stillness of the surrounding plant life and the air that wafts over me and into my lungs.
(The elements (Earth, Air/Wind, Water, Fire (from the Sun). That’s what the beach is to me at the moment, mostly.)
I sat down on the cool sand. I looked to my left and could only see a few figures in the distance. I looked to my right. I could see no other human beings as far as the eye could see. I looked to the sea and all I saw was lady ocean.
I could intensely feel the supportive nature of the plant life there and the magnetic, grounding pull and pulse of Mother Earth. I felt wrapped in their love. I wonder if they foresaw what I was about to discover and that is why I felt their arms of support stretching outwards to me so much this day.
I closed my eyes. I felt the air rewriting my being. I felt the alignment springing forth within me.
I called light to myself. I visualised a white column of light flowing from the stars in the centre of the galaxy (to symbolise Source) flowing down and into my being, through my crown chakra.
I set the intention, “This light is a balancing, opening light. I open my crown chakra to the degree of balance now.” I felt a tiny tingling on my crown. I used my etheric vision to view the crown chakra. As usual, it was open to quite a large degree. What occurred with the bringing forth of the light was a smoothing effect. The turn of the chakra became ‘smooth’. The energy went from having a slight amount of ‘static’ or ‘spikiness’ (this is what any kind of general ‘resistance’ looks and feels like to me energetically) to smooth, like silk or flowing water. I saw the vortex of it flow like water. (Indeed, perhaps that is the best metaphor…)
I moved this light, intention, attention to my third eye. I centred my focus into the centre of my head, the pineal gland. It soon balanced to an appropriate openness and spun gracefully.
I moved to the throat chakra and had the same experience.
I moved to the heart chakra. I felt a curious emotional and ‘etheric sense’ of pain there. I realised I was facing more remnants of the heart chakra injury I have for so long endured that stems from repetitive emotional injury over the course of my life (I generally struggle with with an inability to experience or at least believe in emotional safety in this life. I feel emotionally safe about 65% of the time I think. This is slowly changing though).
It was curious to me to feel this because it was a mystery or discovery, because there had been no conscious awareness of that pain there this day. No clear trigger, no bad experience. It had so far been a fun, beautiful day. I had spent the morning having breakfast at my friend’s place and next, here I was at the beautiful beach.
By virtue of my curiosity I was intuitively drawn to realise that this pain was not from present day.
I wondered if I wanted to go into it at that moment. I was starting to feel cold. The air had seemed to decrease in temperature from when I had first sat down. But I knew that this was an inner child (a fractured aspect of my consciousness that experienced trauma in the past that was now being triggered, asking for healing in present day. Read more about the fracturing of consciousness here) suffering from abandonment. Was I going to abandon her again?
I decided to stay.
I journeyed into the pain further. What was this exactly? Sadness? Despair? Anxiety? I actually didn’t end up being able to place an exact word for it. It was some kind of sadness and broken heartedness. *I encouraged the unidentifiable pain to grow and become more by virtue of my attention I had placed upon it.
As the feeling enveloped me, I asked the question, “When was the last time I experienced this feeling?”
The answer came terribly broken up. All I saw was myself last week, in my lounge room. And I barely saw. I just knew (spiritual intuition – claircognizance) that that was the answer. I wanted for more information but received none so I allowed it to remain as the puzzle it was.
I then asked myself, “When was the first time I experienced this feeling?” The answer come again, in broken up pieces. “Age 5” my claircognizance told me. I queried for more. I realised I was pushing, seeking.
Once I allowed the information to flow to me, I saw or felt or knew myself to be age 5 at a playground. I had fallen. “It was a swing. Wait, no. A see-saw.” A vision of first person perspective flew into my experience. I felt the fall. “Ouch.” It was a very hard landing. There was no physical injury but a very intense THUD experience. I remembered this feeling occurring again once when I was about 12 or 13 and fell off a horse in two separate instances. It was that same THUD.
When these memories come up super disjointed I have come to the idea of adding my own visualisation where I envision the inner child sitting across from me. I place my hands on my knees on my crossed legs, palms up, and invite her to take my hands. This visualisation helps my mind focus and listen.
I then began to speak to my inner child self in this visualised (but very real) experience.
“I’m so sorry you experienced that. That sucks. That really hurt.”
I didn’t get any ‘words’ from her but I knew she was listening. I saw her sitting across from me, crying. Also, I knew that no one had come to help and that was the main reason why she was traumatised.
“Someone should have been here for you. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. I’m here. I am here.”
I also sensed there was some shame about being seen by other kids, being laughed at for falling. In this vision of us sitting across from each other, we were in the playground by the see-saw. So, utilising the wondrous power of my mind’s eye, I ‘blurred out’ the background. I faded out the playground, any others who may have been around, the noise. Things became comfortably foggy and alone. It was just us. This inner child of myself seemed to feel a bit better then.
I asked her what she might like to do. “What might help?”
I instantly saw a vision of horses running flash across my vision. “Wait…” I thought. I focused more. “Unicorns!”
My inner child smiled in a giggly, silly way.
Suddenly, a male unicorn came around us, (to my left, is how my 2015 self experienced it actually on the beach). My inner child was enthralled. I, the adult consciousness, thought, “What the? Oooh. Wow.” This unicorn gently rested his horn against my heart chakra. I knew it to be healing. My inner child was so pleased. My 24 year old self was VERY excited. (I have met with this particular unicorn once before. He is immeasurably loving and powerful.)
I asked my inner child what else she might like. This seemed to be all she needed. Presence and a unicorn.
I came out of this slight meditative state of vision with a sensation of relief, rawness and intense curiosity about the unicorn. Humorously, I even then thought, “Well, this will make for a good blog entry!”
I felt my 5 year old self still with me. Still integrating. I held her with my focus. I said, “I am here for you.”
I called that original white light to the rest of my chakras. Then I went home.
*The process of emotional integration used in this experience was first created and taught by the spiritual luminary, Teal Swan. See here for an article about the process and here for a video about the process.
After these integrations I always feel like I can see ‘more of myself’. I can see that once lost, inner child aspect of myself in my eyes. Can you see her?
Song for today: